30.10.10 § 9

I'm tired of the rah-rah sentiment rallying cry of all the can-do spirits out there. I mean, man, where's the acid and bile we're supposed to be spewing?

Emo has gotten a bad rap between sarcastic/acerbic/ironic/sardonic/self-deprecating detachment and apathy, and earnest/unadulterated/purportedly genuine/ultimately maddening proselytizing.

People are just too cool for genuine sentiment now. Everything has to be wrapped up in and leavened with either a level of nonchalance — they care but at the same time they don't, acting as if they're fine either way — or, zealotry — this is the way and you'd better get your ass behind us or you'd be doomed to perdition.

I can't have any of this. I fancy myself a tortured soul. I also harbor an intense fear of being nothing but a pretentious son of a bitch. As always, up in the air.

Yes, I hurt. From what? I dunno. I'm terrified most of the time. Of what? No idea. Does not knowing make me a fraud? The much-dreaded poseur? No. It just makes the pain and fear all the more intense and debilitating.

I have these simultaneous sensations of being untethered, floating and hovering over my own life; and of being shackled to and bogged down by the ball and chain of the minutiae of this existence.

I fancy myself a tortured soul. And it is hard work. Alternating moods of self-contentment, paranoia, and indifference. But then again as most sane people would point out, I could just be silly, stupid, or worse, lazy.

Is this too teenage-angsty? Juvenile? Is questioning everything a hallmark of maturity? Or, is compromise the sure sign of graduation into adulthood or does it signify the death of one's (pardon the term) soul, on the way to being the automaton that everyone will eventually be and later on, regret?

Isn't there a bravery in choosing to do nothing, in accepting failure and defeat? I think so. Because in the end, we will not survive this life. So in a way, you are just being proactive, preemptive.

How to be a Professional Bum

20.10.10 § 3

At the risk of looking like a pathetic dweeb of a loser, I am publishing this with trepidation. I've been lurking around lotsa blogs for the past two weeks and I really don't want to sound like some self-involved, infantile, entitled whiner who has not an ounce of sense in him to whoever might have stumbled upon me here. Don't worry if you want to punch me really hard in the face, brain me, kick me in the nuts, karate chop the heck out of me, bloody my nose or inflict any form of bodily harm on my person after reading this. I've felt that way for the longest time; you wouldn't be the first one.

Do not graduate. Leave minor requirements unfinished. Go AWOL and take a sem or two off. Then apply for readmission. Plead for amnesty and promise to actually finish the damn thing, i.e. the stupid internship. Think about doing it all over again next summer. Repeat steps 1 through 5 three times.

Of course hobbies are required to fill your extremely prolonged downtime and to occupy your idle mind and hands; them being the devil's play things and all.
Read a lot. Get into different genres. Take down notes and your favorite quotes. Some doorstops to get you started: Infinite Jest (Wallace), Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell (Clarke), Quicksilver (Stephenson), etc. 
Resurrect your blog. Keep on tinkering with it until your novice hands can’t think of anything else to festoon your page with. Obsess about whether anyone would even care to read your shit. Or if anyone would be bothered to 'follow' you. (You already have 5!)
Watch TV. It doesn't really matter what show, as long as it catches your interest. Also, whenever you have extra cash, go DVD raiding at your friendly neighborhood pirata. There’s not much good TV these days, unless you’re into ironic viewing of noontime shows, afternoon telenovelas, primetime serials, or the farce that is the Philippine government in the news.
Watch a lot of porn. You’d have to make do with free stuff online since you don't have actual DVDs, or a credit card for that matter. Jerk off whenever the mood strikes. Random hookups are entirely out of the question; mainly because you’re a virgin but more importantly because you’d incur extraneous expenses.
Watching movies at the cinema would be nice but that entails costs which cannot be met.
For a bit of fun (and headache!), help your little brother and sister with their assignments and projects. Berating them when they do not listen to you, thus getting the answers wrong, is a fantastic way to blow off some steam.

Learn to contain the urge to buy stuff. You will become a master at this in no time. Remember, you have virtually no funds to speak of. The only thing you'd buy when you go to the mall would be used books. You would then see that you've actually built up quite a backlog of books to read. You would also find yourself eating out less and less. Bonus: you realize that the material stuff is really not that important, that all you need in life are three full meals a day, a good book, and a reliable Internet connection (that you are most definitely not paying for).

Quit smoking. It is completely unnecessary spending. It doesn’t even help with the anxiety. It would just stress you out more, thinking about the pulmonary/respiratory diseases down the road that you would not be able to get tended to since you do not have health insurance. Plus, you can't really smoke at home openly anyway. (Time would fly so fast and before you know it, it has been a year since you stopped.)

Quit drinking. Now this you might miss a lot. Your liver is not yet in that grave a state of disrepair for you to completely swear off all-night drinking sessions. Problem is, your friends have already grown up and are trying to live their adult lives while you’re stuck wallowing in adolescent pettiness and concocting masturbatory fantasies.

Be an expert in avoiding being seen by your pops lounging about. It will only take him just a wee bit more before he confronts your indolence and ingratitude. The mom is fine either way so that’s one less thing to worry about.

Hone skills evading questions about job opportunities. Claim something about taking a breather but that in no time you'll be up and running, hamster-like, with your sneakers thumping the floor of the spinning wheel you're going to be a resident of for the next 40+ years of your life. Don’t forget to use whatever career-related buzzwords are in vogue.

From time to time, pretend that you are carrying the weight of the world so nobody bothers and pesters you about real life stuff. Most days you won't even need to pretend.

Have a heart-to-heart with your second eldest sister. Cry your fucking heart out. Try to justify your not doing anything by claiming some gears malfunctioning in your noggin. Then come out to her. And then cry some more.

For some penance, you can guilt trip yourself by trying to compute in your head how much you’re costing your parents in additional expenses since you've been freeloading off them: food, water, electricity, the occasional movie/eat out, the very seldom coffee/drinking session with friends. You’ll realize you haven't bought clothes in a long, long time. Your shirts and jeans are acquiring this very lived-in look that you quite like. (Also, an epiphany: you do not want to be too much of a fashionista anyway.) 

Marijuana-Think yourself into a lot of imagined slights and quandaries; that will eat up a great chunk of time, but at the expense of the veneer of sanity that you've been trying to maintain with all of your being. Specifically, ponder your constant thought that nothing means anything anymore. Yes, people might say that
yada yada yada someone messed you up when you were a kid thus you feel like nothing you do will ever change the way you feel that everything's fucked up and nothing would ever be worth the effort in terms of whatever return it may have for you yada yada but you have to get over it and do something about your life just fucking do anything stop acting like a fucking victim. 
But you can't help it. You can also ask yourself this: What happens when one lets go of professional aspirations/career goals? Does this make you inferior to those who have chosen to run the race? And you can go, a job really doesn’t define who or what an individual is. 

Also, at intervals, step out into the world and pretend that you are normal and that you can be a productive member of the labor force and the society-at-large. Apply for jobs (call centers mainly, since degree is still out of reach). Pass the battery of interviews and tests. This one time, sign a contract. Then decide to abandon all efforts and shut yourself in the house again doing all the other stuff above.

At least your parents haven't kicked you out yet.